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Don't say: "Your room is such a mess. How can you live like that?"

Do say:

("You" message)

"When I see clothes spread all over the floor, I am furious. I feel like throwing the whole mess into the trash." ("I" message)

"You" messages tend to cast blame, lower self-esteem, harm the relationship and fail to change behavior in the long run. "I" messages tell others how we feel, state the problem and how it affects us, do not threaten, and tend both to help the relationship and change behavior.

By adopting better ways of talking and listening, parents accomplish a lot toward educating their children for responsibility. Young teens are in transition, preparing for a time when they will have to be more independent. Good communication builds good relationships and is the best foundation for helping

our young teenagers learn to make more of their own decisions.

Responsible Decision Making

Children and adolescents need the opportunity to practice making decisions in order to become self-directed, critical thinkers. They need the opportunity to learn that sometimes postponing a decision is a decision in itself.

When parents make all decisions, children tend to see their lives as controlled by others. Then they are not likely to attempt decision making when they reach adolescence. Adults who suggest and help, rather than direct and decide, are more likely to instill the confidence adolescents need to make more and more independent decisions.

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Young people need opportunities to examine the potential consequences of choices, to choose and to accept the responsibility for the choices they make.

Here are steps you can follow to teach responsible decision making.

1. Acknowledge the facts. Adolescents are faced with choices that can affect their lives. Tell them you know they have important decisions to make, that some are very difficult and that the consequences are not always easy to accept. 2. Clarify the issue. Make sure you are both talking about the same thing, that you have the same concerns.

3. Gather and examine current information. Many of our beliefs, our opinions, are based on bits and pieces of information. It is important that we gather the facts relevant to a given issue. With information at hand, we can more appropriately filter out conflicting messages, separate fact from fiction and make constructive choices. 4. Look at alternative courses of action. Make a list together of all the possible choices presented by the situation at hand. Write down everything either of you thinks of, even if it seems silly or unacceptable. The process of elimination will follow. At this stage, however, it is important to include every idea.

5. Examine the likely consequences. Ask the question, "What are the expected consequences of a given decision?" Then compile a list of the pros and cons. The pros,

for example, might include friends' approval, having fun, feeling grown-up or appearing independent. It is important to acknowledge what a young person might enjoy about the behavior, even though some of the supposed pros may not be desirable or acceptable-by others' standards at any age.

6. Discuss feelings, beliefs and moral considerations. After you have looked at the pros and cons of a decision, encourage an examination of feelings, values, beliefs. This might be done by sharing your own feelings and beliefs, along with your thoughts when you made a somewhat similar decision. What have been your feelings when you have faced such choicesand why? Discuss them.

Your honesty can be powerful. Perhaps you regret a decision you once made, ignoring your own beliefs or instincts in order to feel more accepted, to go along with the crowd. How did you end up feeling-and why?

Discuss family values and moral considerations. What experiences have you had or heard about, what values do you believe this violates or promotes-and why?

Remember that this technique may backfire if you preach. This approach is designed to help youth explore and develop their own values and morals, to be honest with themselves about how they really feel. Respect their feelings by encouraging open and honest examination. Try not to condemn them or their feelings. To do so encourages resistance to you and your values.

7. Discuss what our society considers

acceptable behavior. Young teens are well acquainted with their own peer group standards. They may not be so familiar with those of society as a whole and are likely to dismiss what they perceive as society's principles as arbitrary or old-fashioned.

As a representative of adult society, you can outline what is expected of its members, for example, responsibility for debts

and other financial obligations, consideration of others, responsibility for one's own actions. At this point,, you might discuss legal restrictions, to show that society holds some beliefs so strongly it is willing to use various sanctions to enforce them. 8. Decide on the best possible course of

action. Having discussed all of the rele-
vant facts, the various alternatives, the
consequences of each of the possible
choices and everyone's feelings and beliefs,
you and your youngster are now ready to
make a decision. And keep in mind this
may involve compromise.

AVoice
and a Choice

These suggestions are designed to guide you in helping your adolescent develop sound decision-making skills. They are not meant to be used in their entirety in all situations.

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Part 3 Homework for You Both

T

he preceding sections have offered some insights into the adolescent world and have provided concrete guidelines for (1) improving communications between parents and adolescents and (2) helping parents help their children develop decision-making skills. This third and final section contains parent and youth questionnaires and some exercises to help you establish more open communication with your young teenagers to guide them toward responsible decision making.

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