that they are respected. Such respect gives the child a sense of self-esteem and confidence as the child reasons, "If my parents believe I'm worth listening to, I must be a person of value and importance."

Listen-
So They'll Talk

Listening is an art that requires practice. Here are some ideas to help you become a better listener, for your child's sake.

Be attentive. Stop what you're doing as soon as you can and give full attention. Focus fully on your child's words, using eyes as well as ears. A youngster may say nothing is wrong when dejected looks tell you differently. So be sensitive to tone of voice and expression. Ask yourself what your child is trying to tell you.

Encourage talk. Eye contact, a smile, a nod and one-word responses indicate understanding if not agreement. Keep questions brief, open and friendly, but try to avoid "why" questions. Children don't always know all the reasons behind their actions and feelings and open-ended questions won't help.

Often, repeating an important idea

your young teen has

expressed, but

in a tentative way, draws the child out. "It sounds like

your feelings were hurt when she said that."

"You must feel very proud to have done that. Am I right?"

Try to empathize. Understanding others begins with empathy, putting oneself into their shoes, as we will see in an exercise in Part III. Empathizing with the adolescent takes imagination and patience. But try to focus on underlying feelings your youngster may be finding difficult to express. Demonstrating empathy helps you both understand the youngster's actions and reactions better. Listen with respect. React to your child as you would to an adult friend. Grownups tend to do most of the talking when conversing with young people. Listen as much as you talk. After speaking for half a minute or

so, stop and let your youngster have a chance. And accept the fact

adolescents are complainers. Let them get their grievances off their chests. Try not to interrupt or push a topic they don't want to discuss.

Listening is certainly one of the most important skills of parenthood. It builds closeness. It also helps young people release pent-up emotions and strengthens their ability to make decisions and solve their own problems.

stead of "I wish you didn't look so sloppy," say "I'll treat you to a haircut Saturday." Instead of "We'll go to the pool together soon," specify "Let's go swimming this weekend."

And, lastly, help your youngster empathize with you by expressing your feelings. Reveal some of your inner self. Let your youngster know you also are an individual and can be hurt by others, even confused in your thinking and fearful of certain situations.

Emphasize your feelings, not their behavior. Don't say: "You should be helping me with dinner and the dishes. You're so lazy and inconsiderate sometimes." ("You" message)