Maci. Is it possible? Fast. She hath gather'd most infallible signs of the gentleman in him, that's certain. Sav. Why, gallants, let me laugh at you a little: was this your device, to try my judgment in a gentleman? Maci. Nay, lady, do not scorn us, though you have this gift of perspicacy above others. What if he should be no gentleman now, but a clown indced, lady? Punt. How think you of that? would not your ladyship be Out of your Humor? Fast. O, but she knows it is not so. Sav. What if he were not a man, ye may as well say Nay, if your worships could gull me so, indeed, you were wiser than you are taken for. Maci. In good faith, lady, he is a very perfect clown, both by father and mother; that I'll assure you. Sav. O, sir, you are very pleasurable. Maci. Nay, do but look on his hand, and that shall resolve you; look you, lady, what a palm here is. Sog. Tut, that was with holding the plough. Maci. The plough! did you discern any such thing in him, madam? Fast. Faith, no, she saw the gentleman as bright as noon day, she; she deciphered him at first. Maci. Troth, I am sorry your ladyship's sight should be so suddenly struck. Sav. O, you are goodly beagles! Sog. Nay, stay, sweet lady: que novelles? que novelles? Sav. Out, you fool, you! [Exit in anger. Fast. 'Sprecious, go seek for the fellow, good signior. [Exit FUNGOSO Punt. Here, here I left him. Maci. Why, none was here when we came in now, but cavalier Shift; enquire of him. Fast. Did you see sir Puntarvolo's dog here, cavalier, since you came? Shift. His dog, sir! he may look his dog, sir. I saw none of his dog, sir. Maci. Upon my life, he has stolen your dog, sir, and been hired to it by some that have ventured with you; you may guess by his peremptory answers. Punt. Not unlike; for he hath been a notorious thief by his own confession. Sirrah, where is my dog? Shift. Charge me with your dog, sir! I have none of your dog, sir. sir. Punt. Villain, thou liest. you are but a man, Punt. Rogue and thief, restore him. Sog. It's marle he stabs you not: by this light, he hath stabbed forty, for forty times less matter, I can tell you of my knowledge. Punt. I will make thee stoop, thou abject. Sog. Make him stoop, sir! Gentlemen, pacify him, or he'll be kill'd. Maci. Is he so tall a man? Fung. She's Out of her Humor, i'faith. Fast. Nay, let's follow it while 'tis hot, gen-betwixt them. Make him stoop! tlemen. Sog. Tall a man! if you love his life, stand Punt. Come, on mine honor we shall make her blush in the presence; my spleen is great with laughter. Maci. Your laughter will be a child of a feeble life, I believe, sir. [Aside.] Come, signior, your looks are too dejected, methinks; why inix you not mirth with the rest? Fung. Od's will, this suit frets me at the soul. I'll have it altered to-morrow, sure. [Exeunt. The Palace Stairs. Shift. I am come to the court, to meet with my Countenance, Sogliardo; poor men must be glad of such countenance, when they can get no better. Well, need may insult upon a man, but it shall never make him despair of consequence. The world will say, 'tis base: tush, base! 'tis base to live under the earth, not base to live above it by any means. Enter FASTIDIOUS, PUNTARVOLO, SOGLIARDO, FUN- Fast. The poor lady is most miserably out of her humor, i'faith. Punt. There was never so witty a jest broken, Punt. My dog, villain, or I will hang thee; thou hast confest robberies, and other felonious acts, to this gentleman, thy Countenance Sog. I'll bear no witness. Punt. And without my dog, I will hang thee, for them. [SHIFT kneels. Sog. What! kneel to thine enemies! Shift. Pardon me, good sir; God is my witness, I never did robbery in all my life. Re-enter FUNGOSO. Fung. O, sir Puntarvolo, your dog lies giving up the ghost in the wood-yard. [Aside. Maci. Heart, is he not dead yet! Punt. O, my dog, born to disastrous fortune! pray you conduct me, sir. [Exit with FUNGOSO. Sog. How did you never do any robbery in your life? Maci. O, this is good! so he swore, sir. Sog. Ay, I heard him: and did you swear true, sir? Shift. Ay, as I hope to be forgiven, sir, I never robbed any man; I never stood by the highway-side, sir, but only said so, because I would get myself a name, and be counted a tali man. Sog. Now out, base viliaco! thou my Resolution! I thy Countenance! By this light, gentlemen, he hath confest to me the most inexorable company of robberies, and damn'd himself that he did 'em: you never heard the like. Out, scoundrel, out! follow me no more, I command thee; out of my sight, go, hence, speak not; I will not hear thee: away, camouccio ! [Exit SHIFT. Maci. O, how I do feed upon this now, and fat myself! here were a couple unexpectedly dishumor'd. Well, by this time, I hope, sir Puntarvolo and his dog are both out of humor to travel. [Aside.]-Nay, gentlemen, why do you not seek out the knight, and comfort him? our supper at the Mitre must of necessity hold tonight, if you love your reputations. Fast. 'Fore God, I am so melancholy for his dog's disaster- but I'll go. Sog. Faith, and I may go too, but I know I shall be so melancholy. Maci. Tush, melancholy! you must forget that now, and remember you lie at the mercy of a fury: Carlo will rack your sinews asunder, and rail you to dust, if you come not. [Exeunt. Mit. O, then their fear of Carlo, belike, makes them hold their meeting. Cor. Ay, here he comes; conceive him but to be enter'd the Mitre, and 'tis enough. Car. And withal, hear you, draw me the biggest shaft you have out of the butt you wot of; away, you know my meaning, George; quick! George. Done, sir. [Exit. Car. I never hungered so much for anything in my life, as I do to know our gallants' success at court; now is that lean, bald-rib Macilente, that salt villain, plotting some mischievous device, and lies a soaking in their frothy humors like a dry crust, till he has drunk 'em all up: Could the pummice but hold up his eyes at other men's happiness, in any reasonable proportion, 'slid, the slave were to be loved next heaven, above honor, wealth, rich fare, apparel, wenches, all the desights of the belly and the groin, whatever. Re-enter GEORGE with two jugs of wine. George. Ay, sir, I assure you 'tis right. Car. Well said, my dear George, depart. [Exit GEORGE.]-Come, my small gimblet, you in the false scabbard, away, so! [Puts forth the Drawer, and shuts the door.] Now to you, sir Burgomaster, let's taste of your bounty. Mit. What, will he deal upon such quantities of wine, alone? Cor. You will perceive that, sir. Car. [drinks.] Ay, marry, sir, here's purity; O, George I could bite off his nose for this now, sweet rogue, he has drawn nectar, the very soul of the grape! I'll wash my temples with some on't presently, and drink some half a score draughts; 'twill heat the brain, kindle my imagination, I shall talk nothing but crackers and fire-works to-night. So, sir! please you to be here, sir, and I here: so. [Sets the two cups asunder, drinks with the one, and pledges with the other, speaking for each of the cups, and drinking alternately. Cor. This is worth the observation, signior. Car. 1 Cup. Now, sir, here's to you; and I present you with so much of my love. 2 Cup. I take it kindly from you, sir, [drinks,] and will return you the like proportion; but withal, sir, remembering the merry night we had at the countess's, you know where, sir. 1 Cup. By heaven, you put me in mind now of a very necessary office, which I will propose in your pledge, sir; the health of that honorable countess, and the sweet lady that sat by her, sir. 2 Cup. I do vail to it with reverence [drinks]. And now, signior, with these ladies, I'll be bold to mix the health of your divine mistress. 1 Cup. Do you know her, sir? 2 Cup. O lord, sir, ay; and in the respectful memory and mention of her, I could wish this wine were the most precious drug in the world. 1 Cup. Good faith, sir, you do honor me in't exceedingly. [Drinks.] Mit. Whom should he personate in this, signior? Cor. Faith, I know not, sir; observe, observe him. 2 Cup. If it were the basest filth, or mud that runs in the channel, I am bound to pledge it respectively, sir. [Drinks.] And now, sir, here is a replenish'd bowl, which I will reciprocally turn upon you, to the health of the count Frugalc. 1 Cup. The count Frugale's health, sir? I'll pledge it on my knees, by this light. [Kneels. 2 Cup. Will you, sir? I'll drink it on my knees, then, by the light. Mit. Why this is strange. Cor. Have you heard a better drunken dialogue 2 Cup. Nay, do me right, sir. 1 Cup. So I do, in faith. 2 Cup. Good faith you do not; mine was fuller 1 Cup. Why, believe me, it was not. 2 Cup. Believe me it was; and you do lie. 1 Cup. Lie, sir! 2 Cup. Ay, sir. 1 Cup. 'Swounds! you rascal! 2 Cup. O, come, stab if you have a mind to it. 1 Cup. Stab! dost thou think I dare not? Car. [speaks in his own person.] Nay, I beseech you, gentlemen, what means this? nay, look, for shame respect your reputations. [Overturns wine, pot, cups, and all. Enter MACILENTE. Maci. Why, how now, Carlo! what humor's this? Car. O, my good mischief! art thou come ? where are the rest, where are the rest? Maci. Faith, three of our ordnance are burst. Maci. Faith, overcharged, overcharged. Maci. O, yes, and the poor lady is irrecoverably blown up. Car. Why, but which of the munition is miscarried, ha? Maci. Imprimis, sir Puntarvolo; next, the Countenance and Resolution. Car. How, how, for the love of wit? Maci. Troth, the Resolution is proved recreant; the Countenance hath changed his copy: and the passionate knight is shedding funeral tears over his departed dog. Car. What is his dog dead? Maci. Poison'd, 'tis thought; marry, how, or by whom, that's left for some cunning woman here o' the Bank-side to resolve. For my part, I know nothing more than that we are like to have an exceeding melancholy supper of it. Car. 'Slife, and I had purposed to be extraordinarily merry, I had drunk off a good preparative of old sack here; but will they come, will they come? Maci. They will assuredly come; marry, Carlo, as thou lov'st me, run over 'em all freely to-night, and especially the knight; spare no sulphurous jest that may come out of that sweaty forge of thine; but piy them with all manner of shot, minion, saker, culverin, or anything, what thou wilt. Car. I warrant thee, my dear case of petrionels; so I stand not in dread of thee, but that thou'lt second me. Maci. Why, my good German tapster, I will. Re-enter GEORGE. George. Did you call, master Carlo? Car. More nectar, George: Lomtero, &c. George. Your meat's ready, sir, an your company were come. Erit. Car. Is the loin of pork enough? George. Ay, sir, it is enough. Maci. Pork! heart, what dost thou with such a greasy dish? I think thou dost varnish thy face with the fat on't, it looks so like a glue-pot. Car. True, my raw-boned rogue, and if thou wouldst farce thy lean ribs with it too, they would not, like ragged laths, rub out so many doublets as they do; but thou know'st not a good dish, thou. O, it's the only nourishing meat in the world. No marvel though that saucy, etubborn generation, the Jews, were forbidden it; for what would they have done, well pamper'd Mit. This savors too much of profanation. Qualis ab incepto processerit, et sibi constet. The necessity of his vein compels a toleration, for, bar this, and dash him out of humor before his time. Car. 'Tis an axiom in natural philosophy, what comes nearest the nature of that it feeds, converts quicker to nourishment, and doth sooner essentiate. Now nothing in flesh and entrails assimilates or resembles man more than a hog or swine. [Drinks. Maci. True; and he, to requite their courtesy, oftentimes doffeth his own nature, and puts on theirs; as when he becomes as churlish as a hog, or as drunk as a sow; but to your conclusion. [Drinks. Car. Marry, I say, nothing resembling man more than a swine, it follows, nothing can be more nourishing; for indeed (but that it abhors from our nice nature) if we fed upon one another, we should shoot up a great deal faster, and thrive much better; I refer me to your usurous cannibals, or such like; but since it is so contrary, pork, pork, is your only feed. Maci. I take it, your devil be of the same diet; he would never have desired to have been incorporated into swine else. - O, here comes the melancholy mess; upon 'em Carlo, charge, charge! Enter PUNTARVOLO, FASTIDIOUS BRISK, SOGLIARDO, and FUNGOSO. Car. 'Fore God, sir Puntarvolo, I am sorry for your heaviness: body o' me, a shrew'd mischance! why, had you no unicorn's horn, nor bezoar's stone about you, ha? Punt. Sir, I would request you be silent. Car. Take comfort, good knight, if your cat have recovered her catarrh, fear nothing; your dog's mischance may be holpen. Fast. Say how, sweet Carlo; for, so God mend me, the poor knight's moans draw me into fellowship of his misfortunes. But be not discouraged, good sir Puntarvolo, I am content your adventure shall be performed upon your cat. Maci. I believe you, musk-cod, I believe you; for rather than thou would'st make present repayment, thou would'st take it upon his own bare return from Calais. [Aside. Car. Nay, 'slife, he'd be content, so he were well rid out of his company, to pay him five for one, at his next meeting him in Paul's. [Aside to MACILENTE.]-But for your dog, sir Puntarvolo, if he be not out-right dead, there is a friend of mine, a quack-salver, shall put life in him again, that's certain. Fung. O, no, that comes too late. Maci. 'Sprecious! knight, will you suffer this? Punt. Sir, I do entreat you, no more, but enjoin you to silence, as you affect your peace. Car. Nay, but dear knight, understand here are none but friends, and such as wish you well, I would have you do this now; flay me your dog presently, (but in any case keep the head,) and stuff his skin well with straw, as you see these dead monsters at Bartholomew fair. Punt. I shall be sudden, I tell you. Car. Or, if you like not that, sir, get me somewhat a less dog, and clap into the skin; here's a slave about the town here, a Jew, one Yohan: or a fellow that makes perukes will glue it on artificially, it shall never be discerned; besides, 'twill be so much the warmer for the hound to travel in, you know. Maci. Sir Puntarvolo, death, can you be so patient! Car. Or thus, sir; you may have, as you come through Germany, a familiar for little or nothing, shall turn itself into the shape of your dog, or any thing, what you will, for certain hours [PUNTARVOLO strikes him.] 'Ods my life, knight, what do you mean? you'll offer no violence, will you? hold, hold! Re-enter GEORGE, with wax, and a lighted candle. Punt. 'Sdeath, you slave, you ban-dog, you! Car. As you love wit, stay the enraged knight, gentlemen. Punt. By my knighthood, he that stirs in his rescue, dies. - Drawer, begone! [Exit GEORGE. Car. Murder, murder, murder! Punt. Ay, are you howling, you wolf? · Gentlemen, as you tender your lives, suffer no man to enter till my revenge be perfect. Sirrah, Buffone, lie down; make no exclamations, but down; down, you cur, or I will make thy blood flow on my rapier hilts. Car. Sweet knight, hold in thy fury, and 'fore heaven I'll honor thee more than the Turk does Mahomet. Punt. Down, I say! [CARLO lies down.] — Who's there? [Knocking within. Cons [within.] Here's the constable, open the doors. Car. Good Macilente Cons. [within.] Open the door, or I will break it open. Maci. Nay, good constable, have patience a little; you shall come in presently; we have almost done. [PUNTARVOLO seals up CARLO's lips. Punt. So, now, are you Out of your Humor, sir? Shift, gentlemen. [They all draw, and run out, except FUNGOSO, who conceals himself beneath the table. Enter Constable and officers, and seize FASTIDIOUS as he is rushing by. Cons. Lay hold upon this gallant, and pursue the rest. Fast. Lay hold on me, sir, for what? Cons. Marry, for your riot here, sir, with the rest of your companions. Fast. My riot! master constable, take heed what you do. Carlo, did I offer any violence? Cons. O, sir, you see he is not in case to answer you, and that makes you so peremptory. Re-enter GEORGE and Drawer. Fast. Peremptory! 'Slife, I appeal to the drawers, if I did him any hard measure. George. They are all gone, there's none of them will be laid any hold on. Cons. Well, sir, you are like to answer till the rest can be found out. Fast. 'Slid, I appeal to George here. Cons. Tut, George was not here: away with him to the Counter, sirs. Come, sir, you were best get yourself drest somewhere. [Exeunt Const. and officers, with FAST. and CAR. George. Good lord, that master Carlo could not take heed, and knowing what a gentleman the knight is, if he be angry. Drawer. A pox on 'em, they have left all the meat on our hands; would they were choaked with it for me! Re-enter MACILENTE. Maci. What, are they gone, sirs? George. O, here's master Macilente. Maci. [pointing to FUNGOso.] Sirrah, George, do you see that concealment there, that napkin under the table? George. 'Ods so, signior Fungoso! Maci. He's good pawn for the reckoning; be sure you keep him here, and let him not go away till I come again, though he offer to discharge all. I'll return presently. George. Sirrah, we have a pawn for the reck oning. Draw. What, of Macilente George. No; look under the table. Fung. [creeping out.] I hope all be quiet now, if I can get but forth of this street, I care not: masters, I pray you tell me, is the constable gone? George. What, master Fungoso! Fung. Was't not a good device this same of me, sirs? George. Yes, faith; have you been here all this while? Fung. O lord, ay; good sir, look an the coast be clear, I'd fain be going. George. All's clear, sir, but the reckoning; and that you must clear and pay before you go, I assure you. Fung. I pay! 'Slight, I eat not a bit since I came into the house, yet. Draw. Why, you may when you please, 'tis all ready below that was bespoken. Fung. Bespoken! not by me, I hope? George. By you, sir! I know not that; but twas for you and your company, I am sure. Fung. My company! 'Slid, I was an invited guest, so I was. Draw. Faith, we have nothing to do with that, sir: they are all gone but you, and we must be answered; that's the short and the long on't. Fung. Nay, if you will grow to extremities, my masters, then would this pot, cup, and all were in my belly, if I have a cross about me. George. What, and have such apparel! do not say so, signior; that mightily discredits your clothes. Fung. As I am an honest man, my tailor had all my money this morning, and yet I must be fain to alter my suit too. Good sirs, let me go, 'tis Friday night, and in good truth I have no stomach in the world to eat any thing. Draw. That's no matter, so you pay, sir. Fung. 'Slight, with what conscience can you ask me to pay that I never drank for? George. Yes, sir, I did see you drink once. Fung. By this cup, which is silver, but you did not; you do me infinite wrong: I looked in the pot once, indeed, but I did not drink. Draw. Well, sir, if you can satisfy our master, it shall be all one to us. Within. George! George. By and by. Cor. Lose not yourself now, signior. SCENE V. but he must out of extremity report it,) that you came, and offered yourself so kindly, and with that respect of his reputation; why, the benefit cannot but make her dote, and grow mad of your affections. Deli. Now, by heaven, Macilente, I acknowledge myself exceedingly indebted to you, by this kind tender of your love; and I am sorry to remember that I was ever so rude, to neglect a friend of your importance.. Bring me shoes and a cloak here. I was going to bed, if you had not come. What tavern is it? Maci. The Mitre, sir. Deli. O! Why, Fido! my shoes. - Good faith, it cannot but please her exceedingly. Enter FALLACE. Fal. Come, I marle what piece of night-work you have in hand now, that you call for a cloak, and your shoes: What, is this your pander? Deli. O, sweet wife, speak lower, I would not he should hear thee for a world Fal. Hang him, rascal, I cannot abide him for his treachery, with his wild quick-set beard there. Whither go you now with him? Deli. No whither with him, dear wife; I go alone to a place, from whence I will return instantly. - Good Macilente, acquaint not her with it by any means, it may come so much the more accepted; frame some other answer. - I'll come back immediately. [Exit. Fal. Nay, an I be not worthy to know whither you go, stay till I take knowledge of your coming back. Maci. Hear you, mistress Deliro. Maci. Faith, lady, my intents will not deserve this slight respect, when you shall know them. Fal. Your intents! why, what may your intents be, for God's sake? Maci. Troth, the time allows no circumstance, lady, therefore know this was but a device to [Exeunt. remove your husband hence, and bestow him securely, whilst, with more conveniency, I might report to you a misfortune that hath happened to monsieur Brisk Nay, comfort, sweet lady. This night, being at supper, a sort of young gallants committed a riot, for the which he only is apprehended and carried to the Counter, where, if your husband, and other creditors, should but have knowledge of him, the poor gentleman were undone for ever. A Room in DELIRO's House. Enter MACILENTE and DELIRO. Maci. Tut, sir, you did bear too hard a conceit of me in that; but I will now make my love to you most transparent, in spite of any dust of suspicion that may be raised to cloud it; and henceforth, since I see it is so against your humor, I will never labor to persuade you. Deli. Why, I thank you, signior; but what is that you tell me may concern my peace so much? Maci. Faith, sir, 'tis thus. Your wife's brother, signior Fungoso, being at supper to-night at a tavern, with a sort of gallants, there happened some division amongst them, and he is left in pawn for the reckoning. Now, if ever you look that time shall present you with an happy occasion to do your wife some gracious and acceptable service, take hold of this opportunity, and presently go and redeem him; for, being her brother, and his credit so amply engaged as now it is, when she shall hear, (as he cannot himself, Fal. Ah me! that he were. Maci. Now, therefore, if you can think upon any present means for his delivery, do not foreslow it. A bribe to the officer that committed him will do it. Fal. O lord, sir! he shall not want for a bribe; pray you, will you commend me to him, and say I'll visit him presently. Maci. No, lady, I shall do you better service in protracting your husband's return, that you may go with more safety. Fal. Good truth, so you may; farewell, good sir. [Exit MACI.] Lord, how a woman may be mistaken in a man! I would have sworn upon all the Testaments in the world he had not loved master Brisk. Bring me my keys there, maid. Alas, good gentleman, if all I have in this earthly |